whenever i feel inept, it’s those small accomplishments that satisfy the ego:
i brewed my morning coffee to perfection;
i arrived to work on time;
i left work on time;
i read that library book for a little while;
i slept on time;
but with this self created paradigm these accomplishments soon become mundane. the ego says i’m not simple, thus my routine shouldn’t be. it says i need complexity, i need variety, i need more. i add the following:
i reach out to an old friend;
i see my significant other;
i explore parts of town;
i purchase a new blouse;
the ego is content with these stimulants.
with time, it still craves more. it feels restrained, undesirable, needy, confused, frustrated, and unique. i want to stop craving but the ego tells me my cravings make me unique. i am unique from those content with simplicity, from those who become complacent with satisfaction. i desire more from life because i desire growth.
i tell myself that stagnancy is not mutually exclusive from growth, because there are things to be learned from stagnancy.
i tell myself to stop wanting so much. the ego says impossible. it’s the unfulfillment of those desires that make me unhappy, not the desires themselves.
i need self care. i need self love. i need self forgiveness.
i need to get out of my head